APB: 8-Legged Exoskeletal DEMON ON THE LOOSE!

Date: January 26, 2009

Time: Approximately 4-8 hours before 12 AM

Events: Infernal creature of doom and destruction meanders, unbeknownst to this author, across the shin of said individual, with the sole intent of wreaking havoc upon her members.  Having identified a prime location to inflict pain and distress, the aforementioned perpetrator sank its fangs into the tender flesh of its victim, thereby injecting potentially fatal venom into said flesh.

Description: 8 Legs, height: less than 1 inch, weight: light enough to tread upon human skin undetected, hair color: probably brown, personality characteristics: slightly reclusive, distinguishing marks:

 

Okay, now let's get down to business.  I was minding my own goshdarned business yesterday, accomplishing stuff here & there, not causing any harm to anyone or anything.  I was under the naive impression that nothing was conspiring to cause harm to me.  Fool, that I am.  I got into the shower last night & realized that my shin hurt something fierce.  I reached down & felt a hard lump directly to the right of my right shin bone & realized that the pain was radiating down the leg into my ankle and that my skin was itching like nobody's business.  I figured that I must of have scratched my leg at some point and during the course of my cleaning, got some chemical irritant into the scratch.  I washed the area with soap & water, both of which were readily accessible in my shower.  Having emerged, I noticed that the pain had not subsided,so I inspected the are much more closely.  To my absolute and abject horror I discovered two puncture marks - fang holes, to be specific.  At this point I developed several hypotheses as listed below:

1.  I was bitten by a spider

2.  I was bitten by a retarded pygmy vampire with no skill for identifying arteries

3.  Two of my leg hairs spontaneously rebelled against my body and ripped themselves out, leaving gaping follicle holes and extensive nerve damage

I think you know which hypothesis I leaned towards, but having never even HEARD of pygmy vampires, I was forced to conclude that I had indeed been bitten by a spider.  In my world, it's no small business to make a claim of arachnid invasion.  I try very hard to believe the rationale that they are indeed more scared of me than I am of them, but for God's sake - they're vicious, carnivorous predators.  Their brains are smaller than their venom glans - they don't have enough sense to be scared of me - their sole instinct is to KILL.  And this particular demonoid did a darned good job of trying.  

I thought about calling poison control, but considered the mockery if it turned out that I was overreacting (Perish the thought!).  Instead, I decided to check my surroundings for visible offenders and then, go to sleep.  You can imagine my relief when I woke up this morning decidedly not dead.  And my growing fear at the continued discomfort at the scene of the crime.  When I got to work, I alerted my coworkers that I had been bitten (after all, what if I was contagious?).  Marty, Alan's mother told me that perhaps it was a brown recluse, and if so, I could expect the skin of my leg to die & be cut out by skilled medical professionals.  Additionally, she informed me that these insidious critters haven't got the decency to build a web, so you know they're in the vicinity, rather they hide in innocuous little places - like YOUR CLOTHES.  Follow this train of thought with me: poisonous spiders hide in your clothes and when they bite you your skin turns black and falls off of your body in blackened chunks.  Anybody else panicking just a tad?!  I did what any reasonable person would do: I googled "brown recluse bites."  Do not repeat my error because you will never sleep again.  I did, however, find out that oftentimes victims do not know that they've been bitten for roughly 4-8 hours - giving the vile minions of Satan plenty of time to escape.  This should explain my irritation when I was asked, repeatedly "What did the spider look like?"  I did not see my attacker.  Anyway, when Doug found out that I had been bit, he suggested that I not pick at it because I might pick off my whole leg.  These coworkers of mine are helpful, aren't they?

The long of the short of it is this: the swelling is going down, I have not developed any of the customary symptoms which leads me to conclude the following:

1.  I was not bitten by a brown recluse, but some other version of hellish arachnid fury

2.  I was bitten by a brown recluse, but really it was a baby brown recluse with a substantially unfortunate overbite

3.  I was bitten by the village idiot brown recluse who gets made fun of by all the other recluses for his impotence - shooting venomous blanks.  

When it's all said and done, I'm pretty glad I didn't die - graveyards are filled with creepy spiders.

  

CHPS Can't Be Bad For You...

The spelling is on purpose in the title above - you'll see why shortly.  I can't tell you how many times I've been driving along America's roads, being passed willy-nilly by all manner of reckless hooligans, only to be pulled over by some copper for a stridently less severe offense.  Okay, that's a lie... I know exactly how many times I've  been pulled over.  I just don't care to share for fear of lessening your (indubitably) lofty opinion of me. :) Now, I'm not trying to rationalize my brushes with the law; if I speed I deserve to be ticketed.  Any violation of the rules of the road is, degree notwithstanding, a violation.  So what if, from my perspective, I pose a substantially smaller threat to vehicular safety than Mr. Numb S. Kull whose blatant disregard for dividing lines or any speed less than that of light renders him a a danger on par with nuclear detonations?  Indeed.

Today, however, one of those amazing events that you always hope to witness took place.  I was driving to work and was cut off by one of those little morons who drive like every road is an audition stage for "Fast and Furious: part 6."  I don't generally become incensed when I'm cut off... I understand that oftentimes one is in a position to make a last minute decision that might impede upon the boundaries of another's personal car space.  It happens.  Except, when it happens like it did today, I seem to mind a good deal more.  This daft little beast of a driver who seemed to be propelled by raw adolescent testosterone proceeded to cut off every other driver, weaving in and out of two lanes of traffic & eventually using a turning lane to pass somebody whose pace didn't suit him.  Again, I typically attempt to err on the side of understanding.  He was headed in the general direction of the hospital - what if his buddy was bleeding out as a result of some horrifically misguided experiment involving bladed kitchen appliances and explosives?  In such an instance I'd be more than accommodating while doling out irrelevant judgments.  This was just not that instance.  Larry & Moe were, by contrast, laughing and pointing & banging their empty heads to some long-forgotten 80's metal band.  It was maybe this irreverent dismissal of a corporate responsibility for safety that lead to my not-so-quiet exultation when, several car lengths ahead of me, I saw a reasonably nondescript SUV light up with telltale red and blue beams.  They had just succeeded in cutting off a Highway Patrol Vehicle and were promptly pulled over. I think I should feel some sense of compassion, as if those of us targeted by the 'authorities' share something akin to camaraderie, but really - I'm just thrilled they were caught.  I hope the freakin' punks got kicked off the road.

Wii Are Fun

Tonight my roommates and I were sitting around having laughed our way through an episode of the Office (anybody else think it's hysterical to watch somebody being run down at 5 MPH?), when we decided to play a nice game of Wii Bowling.  Cathy got it all set up while I sat upon Tawny & tickled her knee pits until she consented to join us.

Then, we bowled.  Well, really Cathy & Tawny bowled while I hurled a virtual ball in every direction save in the general vicinity of the virtual pins.  It was a virtual disaster.  For one who was so intent on getting every person involved, I made a fairly lame showing.  How embarrassing.  I did talk Tawny into playing tennis with me & soundly whooped her @$$ which was remarkably gratifying until she pointed out that she was just letting me win so she could go to bed sooner.  I kinda believe her.  There was some slight satisfaction experienced on the part of your's truly when Tawn was turning to go to bed & said something to the effect of, "Thanks for making me Wii."  Best. Sentence. Ever.

I really had no reason to post this little ditty except that I feel as if it's been too long since I've had anything interesting to slop up here.  I've been a wee bit depressed these days and I think we're all happier if these pages don't get too maudlin, yes?  I'll try to look for the funny in the weeks to come.  Until next time, dear readers.