Geez Louise

At this very moment I'm winding down from my evening, preparing my sweet little head for slumber.  I'm a wee bit wound up because tonight I attended my ten year high school reunion.  I had been hit upside the head with a migraine this morning (it's about my second one ever - they are TERRIBLE) and every fiber of my being wanted to save 30 bucks and just stay in.  Alas, as I've never been very trusting of my inner voices I decided to make the 5 mile trek to downtown Modesto and brave the social elements.  Within moments of walking in the door I wanted to leave... my healthy self-talk dwindled to a murmur, then a mumble, then a merest hint of whisper until I simply couldn't hear it.  All those grandiose ideas of my having lived life well (see two posts below) were not only irrelevant, they seemed hopelessly naive and idealistic.  As a wise man once said, hopes and dreams might get you out of bed in the morning, but they don't keep you warm at night, and they sure as the devil don't pay the rent.  Nevermind the fact that I overheat while I sleep and my rent's pretty cheap (thank you Cathy), hopes and dreams also don't buy you street cred when you're called upon to validate your last decade of existence.

Here's the kicker - I saw some people that I really enjoy, made some promises to keep in touch (some of which I intend to fulfill), and even refrained from making a fool of myself... but at one point I walked away to respond to a text message and as I stood there alone, I looked around and realized that my life - in whatever form it takes - is independent from these things.  My friends, whom I love and by whom I am loved - they weren't there with me...  I had a profound sense of freedom, knowing I could walk away and go be with people that fit in my life.  And so I left.  I took in my surroundings and, in that moment, cut my ties with the past in order to grab onto the present and hope for the future.  And I left, albeit without my 30 bucks - but at this moment I think that what I lost in cash money, I gained in wisdom.

Here's hoping, sports fans... until next time...